One Year, Pony

Dear Breena,

        So according to the calender, it was exactly 371 days ago that you became mine, but I am having a little trouble believing that it's been that long. It seems like just yesterday that I unwrapped the box holding your registration papers and came to the realization that you were officially and legally mine. Although when I begin to look back and reflect on this past year with you, I suppose maybe it has been that long...
       This year certainly hasn't been easy. We have faced struggle after struggle with each other. Some physical, some mental and some emotional. We've hated each other (well at least I know that I've hated you), we've questioned whether we were right for each other and we've learned how to really push each other's buttons. Of course there were days when I wish I had gotten a perfect push button horse that would have been much easier to figure out but given the opportunity, I wouldn't trade you for anything, not even an Olympic level eventer.
         But let's not dwell on the negative, we have also accomplished and learned so much from each other. You've taught me lessons that I will cherish and use for the rest of my life, the kind of lessons they don't teach you in school. Everyone has always said that its not all about winning but I never agreed with it; then I met you. With every horse I had previously ridden it was about winning. I rode my butt off everyday and trained as hard as I could to win. With you, it's not like that. I ride you because it makes me happy, because I love you, because it's fun. Sure we did win lots of ribbons this year, but it doesn't matter to me. Pony mare, you were always there for me. When every human being abandoned me, I could flee to you with tears streaming down my face and you knew how to make it better. Just by looking at me with your big brown eyes, sniffing my face and following me around you comforted me and made me believe that everything was going to be just fine. Even when our world literally collapsed I knew it would be alright, because I still had you.

        " In your life you will ride that one horse that turns your life around. Not because you won the most ribbons that season, or because you tried something new. It won't be because they got you through a hard time, it will be because they challenged you. The horse that makes you swear, want to give up, throw things and have moments that make you oh so thankful your coach isn't watching. The horse that gives you a run for your money, that throws you to the ground and doesn't blink. The horse that nobody else wants to ride, the one that people use as the definition of a "hard horse". That horse may not give you ribbons, but it will give you the most. I'd be nothing without that horse- I wouldn't be known as the rider I am, I'd just be another kid with ribbons on her walls. The challenges make you stronger, the hard horses make you better. I wouldn't be anything without those horrible rides, and I've never been so thankful. The hard horses are always the ones you'll remember."    Breena, thank you for being that horse for me. Thank you for allowing me to learn you like the back of my hand and knowing me like the tip of your nose. Thank you for every single thing you have done in my life, both the good and bad because they've shaped me into who I am today. 

        So here's to this next year, ponyface. I know that there is lots of change in store for us in these next 52 weeks but I can't wait to see what this next year brings and I can assure you as long as I've got you by my side, everything is going to be just fine. 

To be Pursued

      There is just something about being chased after that stirs the heart of nearly every woman and girl I know. Whether it be someone literally running after you, someone trying to get you to open up to them, or someone trying to get you to fall for them in every single way possible, being pursued makes the heart feel good. I think that if you peered into the heart of nearly any age girl, you could determine that it isn't all that difficult to find the reason why being pursued can make the heart skip a beat.
      Even if it's something as silly as someone from a  kiosk in the mall running up to you in hopes of getting you to buy their product I believe that every form of being pursued feels good. With only one or two people at one of the mall's many  kiosks, there's no way they can chase after every single person that happens to stroll by their stand but the fact that they chose to approach you, to pursue you, feels good. Another example that comes to mind is dancing. If you've ever been to any kind of dancing atmosphere you are probably aware of the often awkward situation of determining whom you are going to dance with, or you are captivated by the fear of being an outsider, of remaining on the edge of the dance floor questioning why nobody asked you to dance. When a young, charming male strolls up to you, grabs your hand  and asks you to dance, a sense of relief is felt throughout your entire body. Someone wanted to dance with you, they make you think you're special, they chased after you. Your heart instantly feels lighter.
          Now why is this? What is it about a woman's heart that needs pursuing? Well, when the current world population is over seven billion people, theres a feeling of being different and unique that every girl strives for. When you are being pursued, you become aware of the fact that you are indeed special. That someone seems something in you they like, something they're interested in, something they want to find more out about.
      Now when you feel as though you're not being pursued, it can be easy to slowly begin to believe the lies that society feeds you. The lies that you're not pretty enough, you're not skinny enough, your hips are too big and your legs are too long. Sometimes these lies are easier to believe then others.
        Whether you are in a relationship with another human being or not, you are in fact being pursued all the time; as you are reading this very word, someone wants you. God wants to have a relationship with you, he is chasing after your heart, he cherishes you and everything you are at all times. You are always being pursued by someone, even if it isn't the cutest boy on the dance floor that you are secretly hoping will ask you dance. God is pursuing you, and hey if the man who made everything anything wants your heart, I'd say that you most be pretty dang awesome.
     

Operation Beautiful

    Several months ago,  I stumbled upon "Operation Beautiful". The idea is to secretively leave sticky notes in public places, such as bathrooms, dressing rooms, make up aisles of stores and anywhere/everywhere where other women (or men, I guess..) would find your note. The notes are meant to speak truth into the heart and show love to women who may or may not receive much acknowledgment for how great they truly are. The sticky notes withhold positive, uplifting messages such as:

"You are Beautiful"

"You were made the way this way for a reason"

"You are loved" 

"You inspire me" 

 

       Ever since I learned about this movement, I have made a conscious effort to part take in it! But I don't carry a purse and sticky notes don't fit in the pockets of jeans very well, and if I'm being honest, I often forget or even if I remember, I usually try and get out of public restrooms as quickly as possible. Then just a few weeks ago, I realized that Lowell High School would be a perfect place to leave some post it notes. Every morning when I go into the restroom there are the same girls just tearing themselves apart as they plaster themselves with makeup. When I noticed the routine of my peers, I left my first Operation Beautiful note; It said "You are just as beautiful without the makeup". Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to take a picture of that note because I heard someone opening the door.   

 

       As silly as it sounds, leaving these sticky notes has almost become a "high" for me. I ponder new places to leave them and feel accomplished when I leave a new note (sometime I wonder if anyone ever notices me walking out of the bathroom with a look of pure satisfaction on my face). Ever since I got my new iPod with a camera, I have begun taking pictures of my attempts at a new way of loving others. Below are a few pictures of my notes.

 

On the door of a bathroom stall at school

On the main mirror of a school bathroom

In an Old Navy dressing room

   

       A few of my friends, Becka and Hannah have also starting leaves notes in their wake. It feels good to know that my friends and I are slowly helping other women, one sticky note at a time. So next you find yourself with a package of sticky notes, go ahead, do it. Become a part of Operation Beautiful. You can also find ideas and pictures of notes left all around the world at their website.

The Rainbow Fish

       As I have mentioned several times on this blog (even more if you personally know me), high school is really quite the place. You can find every type of person known to man being held captive within the brick walls. I like to compare all 1200 students in LHS, to a big school of fish. Nearly 100% of these said "fish" are just along for the ride. They stay with their group of other fishies that are similar to them. So we have hundreds and hundreds of fish all going the same way. It's one large pack with several small sub-packs. Well I am an individual fish. The rainbow fish.
    To me, being an individual is incredibly important. Although it easy to get lost in the sea of 1200 other students at LHS, I try to swim the opposite direction of the rest of the fish. The fish that are just floating along with the current, getting pushed this way and that, getting caught on old tree limbs fallen in the river, or unfortunately the select few who end up being beached along the shore line. Nobody will ever go and pick these fish up and through them back into the water, they will just lay there struggling for their last breaths of air, very few will be able to fight their way back into the water. Most will just give up, lay there and begin decomposing. Within a few short hours, they will be completely forgotten, only serving as a reminder to the other fish of what could happen.  I swim up the stream. I"m the one fighting with every stroke of my fin, the one that is to determined to give up, the one that is pushing through the herd of fish coming at me in every direction. Sadly, sometimes I am the fish that is the underdog, the fish that is questioning whether it's worth it to keep swimming onward and see what's farther up ahead, the fish that stops for a breather and is pushed back. But I, I am the fish that no matter what, I am going to keep swimming. Just keep swimming. I don't care of if my fin is scraped by a large group of  "mean fish" headed straight for me, I will head right back towards them. For I believe in what I am fighting for, I have a purpose for swimming up the stream, I want to challenge the other fish, to make them turn around and see where I am going. And maybe, just maybe they will follow behind me, maybe they'll be curious as to what could be up there, there's no way I would being bothering to go through so much trouble if there wasn't something great up ahead, maybe I'll soon have a few fish behind me. After all, I am an individual, I am a different fish. I have God on my side. 

Eureka!

       Do you ever feel like you just need to go out on a limb, put yourself out there and try something new? Well, recently I had been yearning for something new, something fresh, something to remind me that I'm alive. I've been struggling with feeling tired. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally, I've been feeling burned out. I find myself going through the motions of my daily routine. Nothing new. Nothing different.

and then....

      I found it. The thing I have been searching for so long. The thing that has been right in front of me for well over a year.   Now why did I just come to this realization you may ask? Well to be completely honest, I have no idea. They say you won't find something until you start to look for it, maybe I just wasn't looking? Or maybe God just wasn't ready for me to have this new passion; maybe he was saving this precious discovering for a time when I really needed it. Like now.

Well,  know that I have created enough suspense, I suppose can now share what this new passion is. Drum roll please..........




Dance.
More specifically, swing dancing. When I dance, the rest of the world slowly slips away. I forget about my ever growing pile of homework, my physical exhaustion, the day to day stress, I forget it all. On Monday afternoons at my schools swing dancing club, I am genuinely happy. Twirling around, my hair flipping, being dipped, spinning around on the floor just feels right. Now, I am in now way an expert, or even that good, but I'm okay with that. I'm okay with just spinning in whatever direction my partner suggests, following his lead. Dancing has brought me closer to the Lord, as well. Dancing has me to trust; I've learned that everything will end up okay, even if you take a wrong step, spin the wrong direction or you try and predict what's going to happen and your completely wrong. Even if you fall completely on your face, it will be okay. You just have to laugh it off, stand up, smile and you'll end up right back on the beat.

Unfortunately,I have been fighting off some negative thoughts too. I believe that when you find something that really makes you happy, or something that brings you closer to God, or both, that there is someone who doesn't like that. That he will try and do whatever he can to stop that activity. Whether that be by telling you that you're not good enough, you're too tall, you're too awkward, too clumsy, unnatural or fake. But thanks to my God, I can fight off at these false statements. I know that my God loves me. That I am good enough, that I can learn to dance will having a larger bend at the knees then most(and get huge thigh muscles) , that I can be graceful. Oh how I love my God.

A Poem... That I did not write

Everyone longs to give himself or herself to someone...to have a deep soul relationship with one another...to be loved thoroughly and exclusively...But God says...


"No...
Not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by Me alone...
To have an intensely personal relationship with Me alone...
Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found...
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you...
You will never be united with one another until you are completely united with Me...
Exclusive of anyone or anything else...
Exclusive of any other desires or longings...

And when you are ready...
I'll surprise you with a love...
Far more wonderful than any of you would dream of...
You see...until you are ready...
until the person I have for you is ready...
I am working even at this moment to have you both ready at the same time...
Until you are BOTH satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have for you is ready...
You won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me...
And is thus the perfect Love...
Don't be anxious...don't worry...
Don't look at the things others have gotten or that I have given them...
Don't look at the things you want...
Just keep looking up to Me or you will miss what I want to show you...
I want you to stop planning...
stop wishing and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing...
one that you cannot imagine...
I want you to have the best...please allow Me to bring it to you...
You must keep watching Me...expecting the greatest things...
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am...Keep listening to the things I tell you...
Just wait...that's all...

And dear one...I want you to have the most wonderful love...
I want you to see in the flesh...the picture of your relationship with Me and to enjoy materially and concretely...the everlasting...
Union of beauty...perfection...and the love that I offer you with Myself...Know that I love you utterly...I am God...Believe it and be satisfied..."

The Mission Behind the Title

       Lowell High School can be quite the jungle all the time on certain occasions. One of these times, is homecoming week. With all the craziness of spirit days, the football game, and of course, the dance, people tend to lose track of themselves, what they stand for and they end up following the crowd more than ever. The girls in their short soffee shorts, tall socks and sports bras with their stomachs painted at the game, the guys encouraging their behavior, the silly spirit days, as well as many other things combine to create a rough week.

     Well, this year me and several of my friends decided to try and change that. With little idea of where to start, I consulted with my sister, Leslie. Together, we came up with the idea of t-shirts with the phrase "I'm bringing classy back" on them.  Several trips to Ella's (the local coffee shop), many hours on Google, and lots of brutally honest opinions operation "Bring Classy Back" was formed.

      Maddie and I then contacted several girls from our school that we thought would like to get involved. Some of the girls did, and some didn't, but that was expected. The next week we ordered the shirts! After many, many calls to Pep Talk, pleading with the woman over the phone and praying the shirts arrived just in time! We had planned on wearing them the day before the homecoming dance but weren't sure if they would be here in time. Once again, God made it happen. I arrived to school early on Friday morning to hand out the shirts to the other 8 girls and everyone of them loved the design.

      Throughout the day, we had very mixed reviews. Most of the comments made to my face were very positive, it was the ones I wasn't supposed to hear that really made me laugh. I heard a few of the "popular guys" say "I hate those shirts. They're so stupid." I simply chuckled to myself and decided it wasn't worth a response, for the scripture says " Do not be eager in your heart to be angry, For anger resides in the bosom of fools.".  At the end of the day, I was glad I did it. I took the risk, put myself out there. I decided that if it changed one person for the better, one person out of all 1,200 students, then it was worth it.

Clothing

Clothing brands and stores are something I feel very strongly about. I've never understood why people are willing to pay over twice the price for something just for the little logo embroidered somewhere on the article of clothing. 

Example A:

These jeans are $22.99

 these jeans are $59.63

Now, maybe I am crazy but I see very little difference is these two pairs of jeans. In fact, I like the jeans on the right better!

Example B: 

  

This sweater is $19.99

This sweater is $49.50 

Both sweaters are really cute! I do realize the one on the right is going to fit better, and hold up better but is it really worth more than twice as much?!

Example C:

These socks are $21.99

These socks are $8.00

Socks make me really angry! I can't justify spending tons of money on socks when I know I am just going to lose them before too long! 

Although I could continue to find many more examples, I think I shall stop there.

 So why do people spend so much more for "brand names". Yes, they are better quality and will last longer but with things that are going to go out of style, get lost or you just won't like anymore what's the point?! I think many teenagers spend the extra money because they feel good seeing the little seagull birdie things, moose's, and capital letter "A"s filling their closet. Nor are they the one's buying all of these overpriced items of clothing. I for one am so proud to say that I have owned one pair of shoes from American Eagle (which were a gift) and nothing else from there. I have never bought a single thing from Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch, nor do I ever plan to!

More than a Blue Ribbon

Last weekend I had the worst show of my entire life, not exaggerating. My dressage test, horrible. I didn't know I had to memorize it until roughly 10 minutes before so I was forgot everything I have ever been tought about riding due to the stress of guessing my whole way through the pattern. I made stupid mistakes, I should've done better and I know so much more than what I showed. Cross country, decent. I had a blast but once again, I didn't ride it that well. Stadium, horrible is an understatement. Some of stadium was my fault, some of it was from Breena's lack of experience and some of it from Breena being a jerk :). The second jump, Breena went around it. I will admit that this particular one was my fault. I assumed she would go and I was a little too confident. But whatever she went over it the second time just fine. Fence 4B she also ran out on. That was just her lack of experience. Every fence just seemed to be getting worse and worse. I managed to get through my course and went to turn to do my final courtesy circle and well... Breena didn't turn. Everything got dead silent and next thing I knew we were going over an extra jump that I wasn't expecting so I fell forward and was clinging to her neck. She proceeded to shake her head and send me flying. I was on my feet for a short moment but momentum sent me tumbling backwards. As I lied on the ground trying to regain my breath I knew I had hit hard. I had this whole mental debate as to if I should continue to lay there or not but decided it wasn't worth the paramedics coming. As i stood up and grabbed my pony who had just been standing over me looking down as if saying "Sorry Mom, I was just trying to make up for the other jumps I refused the first time" I began to laugh. But then as I excited the areana and everyone clapped I started to cry. Not out of pain for it didn't hurt that bad but more out of embarrassment and shock. I quickly get my emotions in check and began to laugh as I talked the whole thing over with Kelsey and Rita. I unfortunately had to go back in the ring for the victory gallop covered in dust where I hung my face in shame. I galloped around the ring last after receiving my 6 inch "completer" ribbon and headed back to the trailer to pack  up and go home.
       Although I same still processing everything nearly a week later I think that I am glad the way things turned out. Sure, I was embarrassed and disappointed and incredibly sore but I learned so much more than I would have if everything had gone as planned. Kelsey came home with a pretty blue ribbon that she got to hang on her wall next to the rest of her blue ribbons, but what did Kelsey learn? I'm sure she learned something, but I can almost guarantee you not as much as me. I learned lessons about life, about Breena and about myself and that means more to me than a blue ribbon. In 10 years I'll have too many ribbons than I know what to do with I won't miss the one from last weekend. In fact, I just read about someone that threw all their ribbons away when they went to college. The lessons I learned last weekend I will have for my entire life; I won't ever forget those lessons. Looking back on Sunday September 18th, I learned so much than any ribbon of any color will every be able to teach me. And I'd take this knowledge over a ribbon that will end up being crinkled and thrown into a box anyway, any day.

Hunters Run 2011

Last weekend, I went to my first horse trial/event and it was everything I could have ever imagined. On Saturday, we went and schooled the course for awhile which was a total blast! Leslie and Josh came and watched, supported and took tons of pictures. I still can't believe they drove over 2 hours just to come watch me ride my horse. Josh got some awesome pictures with the help of Leslie and then they headed off on their long journey home.

After we bathed the horses and got everything packed up we headed on our way to our sleeping arrangements we had previously made. After nearly 15 minutes of winding, narrow, bumpy dirt roads lined with trees on both sides (which appeared rather frightening at night) we arrived at the barn bed and breakfast. We unloaded the horses, put them in their huuuuge stalls that were literally nearly twice the size of the stalls at home, fed them then headed into the house. The house was super cute and had so much character. I don't know how to do it justice so you'll just have to check out The Crooked House Farm  for yourself.

After a mere 5 hours of sleep, we were up and at it again! We had everything and everyone reloaded and when we went to start the truck, we had a dead battery. After a few moments of panic, we jumped it and headed on our way! I was first out of our group to do my dressge test. Warm up was horrible, the grass was wet and Breena was just not listening. I pretty much decided to give up for then and just wing it when I went into ring. I got through the test, grimacing the whole way through. At the end, I was okay with my performance. I'd done worse, I'd done better, I just hoped it was enough to get me a ribbon.

Then it was Cross Country time. I couln't stop smiling my entire course, I was just having such a blast. She cleared every fence with ease, didn't look at any of them and was a dream. I knew I was going to slow but the wet grass and hills were making me nervous and I decided the time faults weren't as bad as getting either of us hurt. Afterall, I wasn't planning on bringing a ribbon home anyway.

Kelsey and I were looking everywhere for placings but ended up going back to the trailer empty handed and just as impatient as when we left. Upon returning, we found out that our trainer had found the placings and we got 2nd and 3rd! I was second after dressage by .5 of a point but my time faults pushed me back to third. Kelsey was 3rd after dressage and moved up when I went too slow. I had never, ever beaten Kelsey at dressage so I quite pleased, to say the least. 

All in all, I brought home so much more than a ribbon last Sunday. I brought home memories, many lessons learned and had a lot of fun. Oh, and Breena and I continued to prove many people wrong. I just love her so much.

That time of year

I suppose it's that time of year again, time to get back to organization, schedules, studying, sleeping during normal hours and stressing out. I can't truthfully say that I was looking forward to your arrival, in fact I was kind of  dreading it. But this year, things are going to be different. Last year I was a typical freshmen, my main goal being to simply skate be under the radar and to never be noticed, for anything. Well, I'm not doing that this year. I want to be noticed. Now, don't get that mixed up with being popular because that is in now way what I'm striving for. I don't care if I have tons of friends, I don't care if I'm at the "popular table", I don't care if my phone is constantly blowing up with text messages. I just want to do something , something that matters (hello operation "bring classy back"). I want to take risks, and stand out in my class of nearly 300. I'm going to challenge my peers to do the same. So here's to sophomore year. To making a difference and making it count.

Looking ahead

Even if it is 4 months away, I've already begun thinking about the year of 2012. Two Thousand and Twelve Is going to a year of change and has it quickly approaches, I'm not sure if I'm quite ready for it. For one thing, one of my favorite people in this whole entire world is moving half way across the planet. Although she is going for a great reason and I am so proud of her, I am going to miss Leslie. Second, my best friend is moving off to college far, far away to chase her dreams. Third, I am going to be the only child in my house as all of my other siblings will have moved out. Fourth, I will most likely be moving Breena to another barn where things will work out better for the both of us. Oh how I can't wait to see what plans God has made for me in the year of twenty twelve!

Luna

Yesterday on the evening of August 29th, 2011 I purchased a ukulele. Now yes, I do realize that I have gone through several "instrument phases". First there was the recorder in the 5th grade, that was involuntary, then the clarinet, which I never really enjoyed, then the Violin, which was fun for awhile. But now, I have my instrument. The ukulele.

I am already in love with my dear lovely Luna and I am confident that we will be friends for a long, long time. She brings me lots of joy and makes me feel genuinely happy. I have determined that it is impossible to frown while playing such a happy instrument. Especially when you can play it with your wonderful big sister. I even stayed up until past 1 AM last night simply because I couldn't put her down. With Leslie's help, I have already mastered that song "I'm Yours" and I'm working on "Over the Rainbow".  

See that genuine smile?!

I can't wait to get to the point where I can play popular, well known songs on Luna. I can finally be the girl with a unique talent! 

Working hard.